(Dad is sitting in a chair just left of centre stage, his son approaches from stage right)

Son: Dad?

Dad: What?

Son: I know what I want for Christmas

Dad: It better be not too expensive!

Son: I want a GI Joe battle tank, the GI Joe battle tank, a painting set, and a Barbie

Dad: A Barbie! What! No, no way! Im not getting you Barbie!

Son: Why not?

Dad: Because youre a boy, Its perverted, little boys should not be playing with Barbies!

Son: Why not?

Dad: Because little boys who play with Barbies turn into perverts, and pedophiles, and end up working in the pornography industry, and so on

Son: Whats a pervert?

Dad: Boys who play with Barbies! I knew this would happen! Ever since that time you walked in on your mother when she was in the shower, I knew youd be scarred for life, I knew youd turn into a pervert.

Son: But dad, Molly plays with Barbies

Dad: Shes a girl, shes aloud to play with them! Ever notice that she has no ken dolls? See it the same reason why I wont let you have a Barbie!

Son: But she plays with some of my power rangers

Dad: Thats different! You cant take off their clothes and play with their breasts, and fondle their bodies, and caress their hairCome on, what else do you want besides a Barbie?

Son: I dont know pregnant Barbie?

Dad: NO! Thats more perversion! Come on, Ill get you aa tool set?

Son: I dont want a tool set

Dad: not one with a real saw? Ill get you your own power saw, how about it?

Son: (Whiney) No

Dad: Ill get you a BB gun!

Son: (Shakes his head)

Dad: A real gun? A shot gun!

Son: I dont want a shotgun

Dad: A hand gun! Ill get you a hand gun!

Son: (Shakes head)

Dad: Ill get you a oozy! An oozy nine millimetre! A bazooka! A flame thrower, Ill get you a flame thrower!

Son: I dont want one

Dad: Please, anything but a Barbie please!

Son: Well if you wont let me have a Barbie, Ill go ask mom. (walks off stage)

Dad: No dont go ask her! No, you sick little boy you! You reek of perversion! Dont you dare ask her! Noo Nooo!

Son: Mom, can I have a Barbie for Christmas?

Mom: Of course dear

Dad: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ó Adam Johnstone